Well, I am graduating... finally after five years. Two in Connecticut and three here in Iowa. I'm sort of being wishy washy on whether to graduate now in December or in May. Though, since it's already December, chances are that I'll be graduating now. I'm just so freaking tired of school. This is what happens when you go to college because your parents tell you to. I'm not saying I would have never gone... but I went right out of high school because of their urging and maybe I should have taken a year out before applying. I know, I know, "but you have a mind of your own... you can do what you want". Yeah, but it's always been in my nature to want to please people. Still haven't grown out of that.
Anyway, I kind of don't want to participate in graduation. I just want my degree really and I won't get that until January or February... but my family wants me to walk so... what can I do? Though I don't really see the point in it.
We're not rehearsing... which I guess is the case with most college graduations. Besides, it's pretty straightforward. You go, listen to boring ass speeches, sit down, walk across the stage, sit back down, then leave. Still... it might have been nice to have some sort of walk through the day before. I just hope I don't fall on my face or do anything super embarrassing. I just have to remember... I'm done after the eighteenth, that should help me get through it. A friend of mine will be there too... so that will at least settle me a bit.
Let's get away from graduation though, it's exciting yet at the same time I hate thinking and talking about it.
Yesterday, I went to David's Bridal with two of my friends. One of them being the bride-to-be of course. I was in a great mood... we were going to try on dresses so that was exciting. However, I finally realized how much I have failed at my diet when I tried on the first dress that was a size 12 or 14... which I am in regular clothes. It didn't fit and I had to get a size 20--18 was the tightest I could wear though... I couldn't even believe it. I guess I just didn't take into account the fact that these types of dresses may be sized differently. Needless to say, I was feeling very self conscious.
Not to mention, I've had low self-esteem for pretty much my whole life and I've been standing sort of hunched over because of it. When I looked at the mirror, it just looked as though I was standing but also slightly curling up into myself... don't know how to explain it... but it wasn't flattering.
All of this wasn't made any easier because in the room next to our two was a lady and her daughter. She would keep looking at us with her lips pursed and giving us this dirty look. You know the one that says, 'I'm awesome and my daughter looks so much butter than you'. Or maybe that was the way she always looked... like something was up her butt.
When I feel bad about something, I tend to shut down... so that's what I did. It wasn't fair to my friends because we were there to have a good time looking for dresses. We did find one... but I wasn't loving it because of how I was feeling. If I were chipper that day, I would have absolutely adored it... but that wasn't the case. It really was a beautiful dress though.
They could tell something was up... but I think that they thought I hated the dress since I wasn't smiling... far from it.
These past few times we had hung out, I always ended up in some sour mood. I mean, at first I thought it was just because both their significant others were also hanging out with us and I was just... not jealous, jealous sounds a bit intense... but discontented that here I was, at the time 22 and almost out of college, without EVER having a boyfriend. I've had many, many crushes... they all know this... but never a boyfriend. However, now that we had hung out just us three... I still get into a funk during our hang out time.
I realized that I'm just a negative person and I'd find anything wrong with myself or my surroundings. But I haven't always been like that... still, I haven't exactly been the most positive person in the world either. It had to be somewhere in the middle. I wonder what happened. What was the turning point in my life that made me unable to even enjoy hanging out with friends?
Maybe I just don't deal with change very well. Some types of change are okay... but the change I'm talking about is between friend relationships.
I'm a pretty quiet person when I don't know someone... some people might even say I'm anti-social. That may be what I seem like... but that's not the truth. It's hard to make friends and I've had the same two good friends since Jr. High. Sure, I've had acquaintances, but I never really clicked with them. So, I noticed that most of these changes in mood came after one of them talked about their future, either away from Iowa or with their present significant other. To me, it's like being far away from your friends would mean that you'd lose touch with them... that's not something I want, but I guess I'll have to accept it and I have a hard time doing that. Who will I hang out with after they all move?
Maybe I'm too emotional. I guess that's why some characters in movies don't get so attached to people. Sometimes I think that would be a good way to live my life... but then, wouldn't that be a pretty abysmal existence?
Hopefully this all passes.
Anyway, I kind of don't want to participate in graduation. I just want my degree really and I won't get that until January or February... but my family wants me to walk so... what can I do? Though I don't really see the point in it.
We're not rehearsing... which I guess is the case with most college graduations. Besides, it's pretty straightforward. You go, listen to boring ass speeches, sit down, walk across the stage, sit back down, then leave. Still... it might have been nice to have some sort of walk through the day before. I just hope I don't fall on my face or do anything super embarrassing. I just have to remember... I'm done after the eighteenth, that should help me get through it. A friend of mine will be there too... so that will at least settle me a bit.
Let's get away from graduation though, it's exciting yet at the same time I hate thinking and talking about it.
Yesterday, I went to David's Bridal with two of my friends. One of them being the bride-to-be of course. I was in a great mood... we were going to try on dresses so that was exciting. However, I finally realized how much I have failed at my diet when I tried on the first dress that was a size 12 or 14... which I am in regular clothes. It didn't fit and I had to get a size 20--18 was the tightest I could wear though... I couldn't even believe it. I guess I just didn't take into account the fact that these types of dresses may be sized differently. Needless to say, I was feeling very self conscious.
Not to mention, I've had low self-esteem for pretty much my whole life and I've been standing sort of hunched over because of it. When I looked at the mirror, it just looked as though I was standing but also slightly curling up into myself... don't know how to explain it... but it wasn't flattering.
All of this wasn't made any easier because in the room next to our two was a lady and her daughter. She would keep looking at us with her lips pursed and giving us this dirty look. You know the one that says, 'I'm awesome and my daughter looks so much butter than you'. Or maybe that was the way she always looked... like something was up her butt.
When I feel bad about something, I tend to shut down... so that's what I did. It wasn't fair to my friends because we were there to have a good time looking for dresses. We did find one... but I wasn't loving it because of how I was feeling. If I were chipper that day, I would have absolutely adored it... but that wasn't the case. It really was a beautiful dress though.
They could tell something was up... but I think that they thought I hated the dress since I wasn't smiling... far from it.
These past few times we had hung out, I always ended up in some sour mood. I mean, at first I thought it was just because both their significant others were also hanging out with us and I was just... not jealous, jealous sounds a bit intense... but discontented that here I was, at the time 22 and almost out of college, without EVER having a boyfriend. I've had many, many crushes... they all know this... but never a boyfriend. However, now that we had hung out just us three... I still get into a funk during our hang out time.
I realized that I'm just a negative person and I'd find anything wrong with myself or my surroundings. But I haven't always been like that... still, I haven't exactly been the most positive person in the world either. It had to be somewhere in the middle. I wonder what happened. What was the turning point in my life that made me unable to even enjoy hanging out with friends?
Maybe I just don't deal with change very well. Some types of change are okay... but the change I'm talking about is between friend relationships.
I'm a pretty quiet person when I don't know someone... some people might even say I'm anti-social. That may be what I seem like... but that's not the truth. It's hard to make friends and I've had the same two good friends since Jr. High. Sure, I've had acquaintances, but I never really clicked with them. So, I noticed that most of these changes in mood came after one of them talked about their future, either away from Iowa or with their present significant other. To me, it's like being far away from your friends would mean that you'd lose touch with them... that's not something I want, but I guess I'll have to accept it and I have a hard time doing that. Who will I hang out with after they all move?
Maybe I'm too emotional. I guess that's why some characters in movies don't get so attached to people. Sometimes I think that would be a good way to live my life... but then, wouldn't that be a pretty abysmal existence?
Hopefully this all passes.
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