I'm gonna go out and say it: "I have low self-esteem." There, I said it. I don't know how it developed, because I was an outgoing plucky little kid and then... BAM... self-deprecation and insecurity beat the shit out of me.
According to my family, I shouldn't even be overly critical of myself and self-conscious. Hell, my aunt even said that if she knew how to speak and read Spanish fluently, played piano, could draw, and was moderately good with computers, she would be arrogant as fuck. But there's just something in me that constantly says I don't deserve such a compliment or I'll become arrogant... and I hate arrogance.
It could have been that I was a loner through high school, however I was probably somewhat of a loner (with very few friends and acquaintances) because I was shy, so it had to happen before that. Did I mention that my parents divorced after I graduated junior high school? Thought I should add that because that seems to be one of the underlying causes of low self esteem, insecurity, sociopathic and/or psychotic tendencies... pretty much anything... seriously.
That may not be the cause. Though, it certaintly didn't help. My dad would always want us to talk about our feelings... fuck that. In retrospect, I probably should have, then I wouldn't have been as messed up as I think I am and be the life of the party. Actually, I don't think I ever want to be the life of the party, being invisible is more my taste.
No, it had to happen much earlier than that. I mean, there were videos of myself as a little diva -- in the videos, I would sit at the piano with headphones pretending to play something really heart wrenching that would bring people to their knees (you could tell by the look on my face), when really I was playing a jumble of notes in arpeggio and dissonant chords. The headphones weren't plugged in... but I never said I was smart as a kid. There was also one instance when I threw a microphone on the floor because nobody was listening to me sing (badly) opting to pay attention to my little brother. Maybe it was his birth, I know I grew a lot more violent after he came along... hmmm.
Granted, I was a little kid, and they don't know any better. Still, I have no idea exactly when and why I thought it would be a good idea to try and guard my emotions to the point of becoming paranoid nearly fifteen years later. Was it because I was laughed at when I was younger for expressing myself? I wish I would have known to just go with the flow then. They're adults, that's what they do, laugh at little kids.
I wouldn't care normally, but it was a few days ago at work where a particularly outgoing woman was talking to one of the new customer service managers about something or other and then she left -- after we exchanged pleasantries of course. Then, the CSM looked down at her papers and said something along the lines of "I love her," or something and then proceeded to say that she (the other cashier) and I were like night and day. Me being night I suppose because I'm so quiet. I'm sure the CSM didn't mean anything by it, just making an observation, which I is great. It's just that I've been called quiet, or anti-social most of my life and, frankly, I'm tired of it.
It makes me feel like a boring person, like I have to please everybody or they think that I believe I'm better than them. That paranoia isn't something good to be living with. So, as per the information in this article on eHow, I have decided to blog about my successes, lacks thereof, and try to uplift myself in my posts. It won't be very interesting, but hey, who cares? This is for the betterment of my mental health. So wow, I actually have a goal with this blogging thang rather than just blogging for the hell of it.
According to my family, I shouldn't even be overly critical of myself and self-conscious. Hell, my aunt even said that if she knew how to speak and read Spanish fluently, played piano, could draw, and was moderately good with computers, she would be arrogant as fuck. But there's just something in me that constantly says I don't deserve such a compliment or I'll become arrogant... and I hate arrogance.
It could have been that I was a loner through high school, however I was probably somewhat of a loner (with very few friends and acquaintances) because I was shy, so it had to happen before that. Did I mention that my parents divorced after I graduated junior high school? Thought I should add that because that seems to be one of the underlying causes of low self esteem, insecurity, sociopathic and/or psychotic tendencies... pretty much anything... seriously.
That may not be the cause. Though, it certaintly didn't help. My dad would always want us to talk about our feelings... fuck that. In retrospect, I probably should have, then I wouldn't have been as messed up as I think I am and be the life of the party. Actually, I don't think I ever want to be the life of the party, being invisible is more my taste.
No, it had to happen much earlier than that. I mean, there were videos of myself as a little diva -- in the videos, I would sit at the piano with headphones pretending to play something really heart wrenching that would bring people to their knees (you could tell by the look on my face), when really I was playing a jumble of notes in arpeggio and dissonant chords. The headphones weren't plugged in... but I never said I was smart as a kid. There was also one instance when I threw a microphone on the floor because nobody was listening to me sing (badly) opting to pay attention to my little brother. Maybe it was his birth, I know I grew a lot more violent after he came along... hmmm.
"Give me back my juice box, or I'ma have to cut a bitch"
Granted, I was a little kid, and they don't know any better. Still, I have no idea exactly when and why I thought it would be a good idea to try and guard my emotions to the point of becoming paranoid nearly fifteen years later. Was it because I was laughed at when I was younger for expressing myself? I wish I would have known to just go with the flow then. They're adults, that's what they do, laugh at little kids.
I wouldn't care normally, but it was a few days ago at work where a particularly outgoing woman was talking to one of the new customer service managers about something or other and then she left -- after we exchanged pleasantries of course. Then, the CSM looked down at her papers and said something along the lines of "I love her," or something and then proceeded to say that she (the other cashier) and I were like night and day. Me being night I suppose because I'm so quiet. I'm sure the CSM didn't mean anything by it, just making an observation, which I is great. It's just that I've been called quiet, or anti-social most of my life and, frankly, I'm tired of it.
It makes me feel like a boring person, like I have to please everybody or they think that I believe I'm better than them. That paranoia isn't something good to be living with. So, as per the information in this article on eHow, I have decided to blog about my successes, lacks thereof, and try to uplift myself in my posts. It won't be very interesting, but hey, who cares? This is for the betterment of my mental health. So wow, I actually have a goal with this blogging thang rather than just blogging for the hell of it.
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